The outlook for the night was grim as the clock approached midnight. My dearest friend Max had convinced my friend Walker, who was visiting Montana, and myself to go to a classy, highly pleasant Belgian bar with excellent beers. WHAT WAS HE THINKING. The beers were not cheap! We had not gotten drunk! I could just imagine my Montanan buddy Walker tweeting all his Montana friends in the morning (he loves Twitter) and telling them that NYC was not all it was cracked up to be, and that no one ever got drunk cheaply. I felt like a failure.
But then, Walker, showing the type of resourcefulness that I imagine he calls upon regularly in Montana when he runs into a large elk made a brilliant, game changing move. He typed "really cheap bar midtown" into his Yelp app. Brilliant! Part of why our night was so much in peril is that midtown has virtually no cheap bars, providing only tourist traps or rich businessmen hangouts, neither of which have good deals. But Walker found the name of a bar known for its cheapness - Whiskey Trader - and we set off to see if we could stage a great midtown drinking coup.
The bar saved our night. First of all, unlimited popcorn. I ate so much popcorn (because I am a baller), and that popcorn just kept flowing. Of course, the availability of popcorn could be an impediment if the main goal is to get drunk, and would have to be countered with very, very cheap drinks. These drinks were SO CHEAP. Four dollar whiskeys, meaning that for 8 dollars you can buy yourself essentially a glass of whiskey on the rocks. Walker and I had a couple of these giant, cheap whiskey drinks (which, by the way, were Maker's Mark, making the cheapness even more impressive), but still were not drunk.
Two miracles occurred that allowed us to get (very) drunk at this bar for under twenty dollars, and I think that they would likely happen again to the next of our brave readers who ventures to Whiskey Trader. Firstly, the bartender bought us shots! Two of them! I have a few suggestions for how to make this happen when you get there. First of all, befriend the regulars. This bar is the type of bar that has a few regulars who attend nightly, and they are tight with the bartenders. If they ask for a round of free shots for their new friends then those free shots will come. Walker used his Montana charm on one of the regulars, talking to him about guitar and Spanish and such, and we had free shots before we knew it. You do not get to choose your shot - but cheap drinkers must not be picky - and thus we enjoyed our two tequila shots and thanked the bartender repeatedly. Which brings me to the second way to almost certainly get free shots at this bar: befriend the bartender! They are all from Europe, I think, and thus the easiest way to get the bartender talking is to ask them lots of questions about their home country. I learned enough from our bartender about the cultural differences between St. Petersburg and Moscow that I'm pretty sure I could write a graduate school dissertation on the subject. Free shots resulted.
Second miracle: We asked the bartender the quickest, cheapest way, to get drunk. This is always a good strategy. Bartenders often take this as a challenge and will go to great lengths to make sure you get drunk. Our bartender certainly did; "151", she replied, with no hesitation. Before we knew it, we had glasses filled with 15 in front of us. I had never drank 151 at a bar, and was thrilled at the possibility, although disappointed to discover it tastes just as bad at a bar as it does in a college freshmen dorm room. But boy oh boy, did it get us drunk! And the 151 is sold at the same price as the really cheap whiskey, meaning you can get a big glass of it for 8 dollars. So, long story short, for twenty dollars at this bar you can get a massive amount of whiskey and/or 151, along with a couple free shots if you play your cards right. This place gets you drunk.
My Montana friend went from soberly reminiscing about hanging out with elks in Montana to being SO DRUNK. He had probably the worst hangover I have ever seen. Don't you want the worst hangover ever?? Doesn't that sound fun?? If so, Whiskey Trader can do that for you, and for not much money at all.
But then, Walker, showing the type of resourcefulness that I imagine he calls upon regularly in Montana when he runs into a large elk made a brilliant, game changing move. He typed "really cheap bar midtown" into his Yelp app. Brilliant! Part of why our night was so much in peril is that midtown has virtually no cheap bars, providing only tourist traps or rich businessmen hangouts, neither of which have good deals. But Walker found the name of a bar known for its cheapness - Whiskey Trader - and we set off to see if we could stage a great midtown drinking coup.
The bar saved our night. First of all, unlimited popcorn. I ate so much popcorn (because I am a baller), and that popcorn just kept flowing. Of course, the availability of popcorn could be an impediment if the main goal is to get drunk, and would have to be countered with very, very cheap drinks. These drinks were SO CHEAP. Four dollar whiskeys, meaning that for 8 dollars you can buy yourself essentially a glass of whiskey on the rocks. Walker and I had a couple of these giant, cheap whiskey drinks (which, by the way, were Maker's Mark, making the cheapness even more impressive), but still were not drunk.
Two miracles occurred that allowed us to get (very) drunk at this bar for under twenty dollars, and I think that they would likely happen again to the next of our brave readers who ventures to Whiskey Trader. Firstly, the bartender bought us shots! Two of them! I have a few suggestions for how to make this happen when you get there. First of all, befriend the regulars. This bar is the type of bar that has a few regulars who attend nightly, and they are tight with the bartenders. If they ask for a round of free shots for their new friends then those free shots will come. Walker used his Montana charm on one of the regulars, talking to him about guitar and Spanish and such, and we had free shots before we knew it. You do not get to choose your shot - but cheap drinkers must not be picky - and thus we enjoyed our two tequila shots and thanked the bartender repeatedly. Which brings me to the second way to almost certainly get free shots at this bar: befriend the bartender! They are all from Europe, I think, and thus the easiest way to get the bartender talking is to ask them lots of questions about their home country. I learned enough from our bartender about the cultural differences between St. Petersburg and Moscow that I'm pretty sure I could write a graduate school dissertation on the subject. Free shots resulted.
Second miracle: We asked the bartender the quickest, cheapest way, to get drunk. This is always a good strategy. Bartenders often take this as a challenge and will go to great lengths to make sure you get drunk. Our bartender certainly did; "151", she replied, with no hesitation. Before we knew it, we had glasses filled with 15 in front of us. I had never drank 151 at a bar, and was thrilled at the possibility, although disappointed to discover it tastes just as bad at a bar as it does in a college freshmen dorm room. But boy oh boy, did it get us drunk! And the 151 is sold at the same price as the really cheap whiskey, meaning you can get a big glass of it for 8 dollars. So, long story short, for twenty dollars at this bar you can get a massive amount of whiskey and/or 151, along with a couple free shots if you play your cards right. This place gets you drunk.
My Montana friend went from soberly reminiscing about hanging out with elks in Montana to being SO DRUNK. He had probably the worst hangover I have ever seen. Don't you want the worst hangover ever?? Doesn't that sound fun?? If so, Whiskey Trader can do that for you, and for not much money at all.
some really great insights here, your altruistic field research is going to help so many people get drunk on the cheap.
ReplyDeletefrom the straightforward asking the bartender how to get drunk, to the slightly less straightforward befriending the regulars and getting them to ask for shots, this post has it all. Bold text, repeated punctuation marks, technological resourcefulness, free shots, liquor that is meant for breathing fire and not drinking... pure gold.
fuck yeah,
Nick "The Flask" Gerlinger
I just gotta ask, did you mix the 151 with anything, or...
ReplyDelete-JG
Excellent question JG!! We did not mix the 151 with anything.
ReplyDeleteMy lord almighty, that was the WORST hangover ever!
ReplyDelete